Art and the Internal Wah

I have noticed/learned, over the last ten months, there really is a two-way connection between my internal basic nature and the physical act of painting/creating.

I am a sensitive, emotional and vulnerable soul.  But the more I reveal those traits to (most of) the people around me, the more those traits can be exploited by others.  I have noticed, though, times when those traits were so very strong I had no choice but to paint & create.

So here’s the odd correlation!

I was not particularly sensitive or out of sorts last Spring.  Yet, almost out of nowhere, I suddenly resumed painting in March.  By the end of June I’d painted the best canvas I’ve ever done.

I became more and more emotional, though, and more and more sensitive/vulnerable as I swam down to the more intimate levels of my creativity.

Attaining that depth of spirit, that level of intimacy & vulnerability, was a first for me – and by late July I’d completed two of the best paintings I’ve ever made.

But the cost of becoming that sensitive and vulnerable, within the context of my everyday life with my partner, nearly ruined me.  I simply became too emotional, too (hyper)sensitive, and too vulnerable.

I know I must force myself to paint again, and to accept less than perfect so long as I am painting; but I doubt I will ever again be able to expose that internal/emotional “artist in me” vulnerability to another person.

I want to get back to that place where I feel safe, vulnerable, wanted and un-judged; because I am stunned by the art I make in such an environment.  THAT depth of vulnerability and freedom, when I just let the paint show me, brings something new into the world.  It’s something that is, occasionally, truly beautiful and unique.

But now I’m stuck.  I may never ever get back to that place where I was in Arroyo Hondo NM, with Mia and her dogs, in late June when life was better than it’s ever been.  Those mornings camping on the Rio Costilla with such a gorgeous partner will never be again.  It will be amazing if I can open another tube of paint…

God – let Mia have all the happiness, health and prosperity I would ever want for myself.  Given a choice between Mia and myself, please always choose Mia before me.  May thy will be done always, Amen.